A new song has been coming into the works as Easter approaches...
It's a song of pure awe. Of wonderment. Of beautiful humility.
"You thought of me...When they whipped Your back with same and guilt and scorn, You thought of me...When they put the nails of wrong into Your wrists, You thought of me...When they placed upon You head the crown of thorns, Oh my Lord, You thought of me."
I've been going through a Billy Graham devotional this week, to prepare my heart for Sunday.
When I imagine myself at the foot of the cross, seeing my Savior be whipped and mocked and suffering in pain, it brings my heart to an endless abyss. I feel darkness.
And then I imagine myself on the cross with Him. Something I have never done before, but wow is this a humbling experience. To imagine myself on the cross, nails in my wrists and feet, nothing to support me, all breath running out, a pile of sharp thorns piercing my head and tasting blood as it runs down my face.
All of this for them?
All of this pain and suffering and dying for those sinners?
"Oh, Beloved. You are one of them"
Oh...right...why do all of this for me??
"My Child, I would do this and much more for you. You are my heart. You are mine."
But You asked for this cup to be taken...You felt as though God had left You...You didn't want to do this...
"My desire to die and My desire to save you are two different things. No one wishes to suffer great pain, but my desire to have you with Me forever was far greater than the cost of dying. You, My Beloved, are worth it all."
The question here turns out to be not that I wonder if He thinks I'm worth it...But do I think I'm worth it?
Finding my value and confidence and worthiness has always been a struggle. I have never felt as though I fit in. I've never felt as though I was really worth anyone's time or energy. Without a doubt I know that I could go into many different psychological reasonings as to why I've had a lack of confidence and pride in myself over the years, but the simple truth is this...
I've never thought that my value in Christ was enough to cover my lack of value in this world.
Don't get me wrong, He has me here for a reason. There is value to each and every one of us being in this world, but that value is minute compared to the infinite value we have in His heart.
I've been reading a book these last few weeks, and it just so happened to enter into the time of Easter as this week has drawn nearer. There's a point in it that really hit home with me, and it fits into the point I'm trying to make (or discover??).
Peter was quite a character, and I honestly cannot wait to meet him when I get to Heaven. I have so many questions and just want to hear his stories. One in particular...
He denied Christ three times.
Christ was crucified.
They all waited an excruciatingly long three days for Him to rise.
Peter was destitute in what he had done. Could Christ really forgive him for denying their friendship not once, but three times?? No way. He probably wouldn't want anything to do with him once He rose.
But oh how wrong he could be.
He rose, and sent an angel to tell Mary Magdalene, "But go, tell his disciples and Peter, ‘He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.’"
Did you catch it? I didn't the first time...
"But go, tell his disciples and Peter"... Two little words.
This was the forgiveness he had thought wouldn't come. This was the grace he didn't think he deserved. The grace none of us think we deserve. But Christ says otherwise.
If I trust my value of the world, I will never accept this grace, I will never truly believe that Christ was on that cross for me.
But if I turn my eyes away from the broken mirror of beauty, perfection, and idolatry and instead look at the wooden cross that suffered to make my broken pieces His...I find a whole new picture of worth.
And I'm right there in His heart.